4.14.2020

2020

I'm reviving this blog again... only for the sole purpose of having somewhere to jot down my thoughts.

My last post was from 2015 titled "Welcome back!" but I wasn't back that long. There were a lot of drafts between now and then, but none were published. However, today, we are faced with so much uncertainty because of COVID-19. Like so many, this situation demands us to respond at all times. It's almost like you can't be proactive with anything because of all of the unknowns of this virus. For a culture where we prize the ability to choose and the freedom that brings, we find ourselves in a state of quandary and hopelessness in a time where all we can do is respond to what the government's mandate is to "flatten the curve". That phrase in itself doesn't give much comfort because flattening the curve doesn't even mean we are winning against this virus. But better something than nothing, right?

I have been sheltering in place since March 19. I thought this would be easy because I do love staying at home. I love people, but I'm a well-adjusted introvert. I do replenish my energy reserves when I'm in self-reflection mode. But, with all these time to self-reflect, I have felt every "feeling" there is to feel.

I've felt grief for the people dying alone because of this virus. My heart breaks for my love ones and friends who are either in the frontlines with no other choice but to show up and save lives, or friends that are now furloughed or out of jobs because their jobs are considered non-essential. I'm deeply saddened by the fact that the very things that I thought allowed us to live and thrive like being together, sharing a meal, a hug, a touch, are now the very things that can potentially harm us. But the worst part is the guilt... because I'm neither sick with this disease and I'm not unemployed. Why not me? But the guilt does trigger gratefulness... grateful but also baffled why I'm feeling so blessed while others are in such plight. Is it bad that I feel this way?

There are days when I just want to succumb to the sadness that this overwhelming situation is causing; but there are days when I will feel so guilty being unproductive that I busy myself with everything I can do so I'd feel numb and tired. That way, I won't have to feel sad. Dysfunctional, I know!

My saving grace is that I have Someone I run to when things are out of control! The strength of my faith in God has helped me to "snap out of it" when I'm going on a spiral. I do look and sound like a crazy person though because I am constantly talking to Jesus out loud, most of the times reasoning out with Him why I'm being ungrateful or feeling sad or guilty, but oftentimes pleading with Him to put an end to this madness. Nonetheless, every conversation with Him results in learning a lesson and/or a renewed sense of hope... that there will be a day where "this too shall come to pass".

Biggest lessons these past few weeks:

1. There is a right way to express stress when things go awry. It's a muscle to be trained though...
2. If there is a time to exercise empathy, now is that time... loads and loads of empathy.
3. You can see Jesus in sacrifices all around us.
4. Leadership shows up in the face of ambiguity and chaos... and it is not because of someone's title.
5. Anticipatory grief is real-- we mourn the things we are afraid of or are unknown to us.
6. It is what it is... what counts is my response to what is.
7. It's not too late to rebuild connections.
8. Friendships are not defined by time passed or distance.
9. Family is where the heart really is.
10. Agape love can conquer all.

hugs,

J

9.29.2015

Welcome back!

Welcome back to me. It's been ages since I wrote anything on this blog. To be honest, I feel like my life is not that interesting to keep sharing. But what became apparent to me these last few days was my belief that everyone has a story to tell. I have a story to tell. It may not be as interesting or as adventure-packed as other stories, but it is unique in it's own way... because it's my own and no one else can tell it better but me.

So, I decided to write again. But this time I'll write because I want to share something that is/will be uniquely mine. :)

To begin, these past few days are a bit of an awakening to me. I have had so many "aha" moments that I both am fearful and happy to face. Specifically at work, I have had so many difficult yet clarifying conversations with people around me. What scares me about my "aha" moments is the truth-- the truth that I'm not sure I'm ready to face. 

I'm in a profession where I am constantly helping people. Honestly, I love it! I'm passionate about it! There is this deep sense of gratification when you're helping someone deconstruct daily challenges and come up with efficient solutions. The sad part about this job though is that, not all people will appreciate the help you can/will provide. Why? Because we have our own way to receive help, and really, if you think about it, even in this kind of a relationship, a good "fit" is always the key. How can you really know that someone has your back if you don't trust them... if you don't even feel like you can try? That's hard! It's not personal... just preference. 

But my take away lesson from this is that, in life, "It is what it is!" Things happen, people change, seasons come and go... but one thing that is constant... ME! I can only control me... my reactions, decisions, opinions, values, etc. I just have to be grateful that I have this freedom. 

As cheesy as it sounds, I love that a part of my story is that I'm free to choose who I can be!


7.05.2013

Grateful

So many things are happening on any given day. But one thing remains at the end of each and every day... Being grateful!

I am so blessed! Oftentimes, I feel so overwhelmed. Like today... Today was one of those days. I was able to spend the day with my daughter while I work from home. It was a blissful day!

And now, I see her in peaceful slumber... Looking so content... Makes me one very happy mom. 

And now, I am about to rest in the arms of the most wonderful man I know... The one who loves me unconditionally...

I am really blessed! Thank you Jesus!

6.27.2013

See you Ate Portia

A few days ago, my mentor and a very dear friend of mine went home to be with the Lord. It took me a while to process because it feels so sudden. Needless to say, I'm heartbroken.

I met Ate Portia (I called her Teacher Portia then) in my junior year of highschool. I initially gravitated towards her bigger than life personality. She's loud and funny and always so animated! But as we grew closer, I found out that it's her wisdom and her deep love for God that made me want to be like her.

Our relationship started as mentor-mentee, but over time, it grew into a great friendship. And like how great friendships are, we remained close despite our distance. She has always been there during all my most memorable milestones...

... when I had my first boyfriend -- Ate Portia even invited him to practice our cotillion dance for our Junior prom! I will never forget that day because that's the first time I held his hand in front of so many people. For a young teenager, that was big!

... when I had my heart broken for the first time -- Ate Portia was there too when that relationship ended. I remember it was our NSAT summer classes, I told her that "we" broke-up. She made me feel so heard and valdated. For a young, insecure girl, break-ups can be damaging. But she empowered me with her encouragement that "this" is just a part of growing-up.

... when our class experienced a tragedy -- During our Junior year, we lost two classmates. An accident occured while doing ROTC exercises. I was not there when it happened, but most of my classmates are. I was so confused then... so guilty that I wasn't there to help. But she was the one who consoled me and gave me permission to get confused while grieving. It was a dark time for all of us. But ate Portia, together with Teacher Beth, became my pillars of strength.

...Our Junior Year Prom -- oh, she and Teacher Beth and Rene fought for us to have one! And the best part, they allowed us to plan it just the way we want it too!

... during our Senior year -- oh, I have to put this in just one paragraph because the memories are just too many to mention! Geez, she was there for everything! For the time that I wanted to just skip my Senior year all together and just get home-schooled-- Ate Portia didn't discouraged me on that, by the way... she said that I should do what's best for me... guess what? I stayed in school. For that time that I was involved in the fieldtrip scandal! OMG! Totally a misunderstanding, but she made sure that she was there to protect me. It was hard to follow her at that time, but I'm glad I did. For the honor roll fiasco-- I remember wanting to just give up being valedictorian just to keep peace. She's the one who taught me to stand-up for what is rightfully mine... and that I should not live bending to other people's rules. For all of that and for so many more!

... when she started liking Kuya Noel -- Okay, this is her milestone, but I'm so privileged that I was involved early on in their relationship. And I loved seeing the giddy side of her... I love that she was so comfortable with me. Oh, we shared so many stories of our "kilig" moments. I can still vividly remember how fun that was!

... when I moved to the US -- it was hard for me to move away, but Ate Portia was always in touch. Friendster first then Facebook. I am grateful because she always finds time to check on me even if it's just a hello!

...when I got married -- When I met the man of my dreams, Ate Portia was one of the first people I shared this with. I remember her being so happy for me. I love that she was always very supportive.

... when I had Micah -- Being a mom too, Ate Portia easily became one of my confidantes. Being a great mom herself, she's always there to be an encouragement to me... most especially during those times that I am feeling so unglued. I love how she always compares Micah to me and I love that she always tells my daughter all the good things about her mom. It makes me feel so blessed to have a friend like her who always sees the greatness in people.

Ate Portia has been one of my greatest influencers. I will never forget all the great things she has taught me...

... That I am made to be great

... That I am loved and treasured by a God who has made me to be great.

... That living a life of integrity is the best testimony

... That I am who I am and I should celebrate who God made me to be

... That I should enhance my God-given abilities and never settle for anything other than the best

Ate Portia, I am going to miss you very much. But I am so happy because I know this isn't goodbye. I know we will see each other again. Thank you for everything! I love you very much!

5.15.2013

And I think to myself... what an imperfect world

So many things have happened, decisions made that just reinforced the fact that it doesn't matter how hard you try to be good... be the best... This fallible, imperfect world will still gravitate towards the ugly and what is wrong.

So, what's the point then? What's the point of living in integrity, having values, always doing your best when it the end, this world opposes everything that's good, fair, loving, kind? It's like the more you try to be the better person, the more you're looked at as someone who doesn't fit in. An outsider... a hypocrite.


So what's the point? I tell you what the point is... John 15: 18-19

“If you find the godless world is hating you, remember it got its start hating me. If you lived on the world’s terms, the world would love you as one of its own. But since I picked you to live on God’s terms and no longer on the world’s terms, the world is going to hate you."

So there you go...