2020

I'm reviving this blog again... only for the sole purpose of having somewhere to jot down my thoughts.

My last post was from 2015 titled "Welcome back!" but I wasn't back that long. There were a lot of drafts between now and then, but none were published. However, today, we are faced with so much uncertainty because of COVID-19. Like so many, this situation demands us to respond at all times. It's almost like you can't be proactive with anything because of all of the unknowns of this virus. For a culture where we prize the ability to choose and the freedom that brings, we find ourselves in a state of quandary and hopelessness in a time where all we can do is respond to what the government's mandate is to "flatten the curve". That phrase in itself doesn't give much comfort because flattening the curve doesn't even mean we are winning against this virus. But better something than nothing, right?

I have been sheltering in place since March 19. I thought this would be easy because I do love staying at home. I love people, but I'm a well-adjusted introvert. I do replenish my energy reserves when I'm in self-reflection mode. But, with all these time to self-reflect, I have felt every "feeling" there is to feel.

I've felt grief for the people dying alone because of this virus. My heart breaks for my love ones and friends who are either in the frontlines with no other choice but to show up and save lives, or friends that are now furloughed or out of jobs because their jobs are considered non-essential. I'm deeply saddened by the fact that the very things that I thought allowed us to live and thrive like being together, sharing a meal, a hug, a touch, are now the very things that can potentially harm us. But the worst part is the guilt... because I'm neither sick with this disease and I'm not unemployed. Why not me? But the guilt does trigger gratefulness... grateful but also baffled why I'm feeling so blessed while others are in such plight. Is it bad that I feel this way?

There are days when I just want to succumb to the sadness that this overwhelming situation is causing; but there are days when I will feel so guilty being unproductive that I busy myself with everything I can do so I'd feel numb and tired. That way, I won't have to feel sad. Dysfunctional, I know!

My saving grace is that I have Someone I run to when things are out of control! The strength of my faith in God has helped me to "snap out of it" when I'm going on a spiral. I do look and sound like a crazy person though because I am constantly talking to Jesus out loud, most of the times reasoning out with Him why I'm being ungrateful or feeling sad or guilty, but oftentimes pleading with Him to put an end to this madness. Nonetheless, every conversation with Him results in learning a lesson and/or a renewed sense of hope... that there will be a day where "this too shall come to pass".

Biggest lessons these past few weeks:

1. There is a right way to express stress when things go awry. It's a muscle to be trained though...
2. If there is a time to exercise empathy, now is that time... loads and loads of empathy.
3. You can see Jesus in sacrifices all around us.
4. Leadership shows up in the face of ambiguity and chaos... and it is not because of someone's title.
5. Anticipatory grief is real-- we mourn the things we are afraid of or are unknown to us.
6. It is what it is... what counts is my response to what is.
7. It's not too late to rebuild connections.
8. Friendships are not defined by time passed or distance.
9. Family is where the heart really is.
10. Agape love can conquer all.

hugs,

J