Hawaii, California, Motherhood...

I haven't really blogged or journaled for a while... after having a baby, moving to Hawaii, moving back to California, going back to work, finishing my degree, and just being a full-time mom and homemaker, I mean, it was a little hectic for me to even sort through my thoughts daily moreso write about them, and it's also because the spare time I have is saved for my much needed zzzs...

Anyways, last night was an awakening for me. I just put Micah to bed and planned to write my argumentative paper for Philsophy class. Most of the time, I don't have any problem writing, but last night my paper remained blank for 2 hours. It seemed that I can't focus because of all the things are running through my head. So then, I decided to call it a night - while praying, my thoughts kept interrupting my amen! It was busy up there - so congested! So, I remembered a friend who told me that blogging cleared her head daily. I used to journal a lot so I kinda know what she was talking about. Anyways, I decided to start my electronic journaling sessions again. I don't think that my daily musings will be amusing, so to all who dare to spare some time reading this: THANKS!

Okay, so back to my thoughts - well, for now what bothers me is the fact that my family (Malcolm, Micah and me) is starting anew. We've just been back to the Bay Area for just a week and a day (Malcolm has been here for a month prior) but I already feel the pressure of it all. I know that moving back is the most logical thing to do because we are starting a family and let's face it, money is a need! Having a child is expensive, wonderful but expensive (not to mention me! I am expensive! my husband is right!), so living with a meager salary in Hawaii's cost of living is, for now, impossible. But I still loved our 10-month stint in Hawaii. Hawaii is the closest thing to the Philippines (I grew up there). I loved how the "ohana" spirit is everywhere. It's not a perfect place, but the value system is still intact. Don't get me wrong, California is great (Northern California is wonderful) but it's very liberal and very... fast! Everything is fast - even the freeways are fast :-)... I don't know, maybe I was raised in a place where "everybody knows my name" and that's what I want to Micah too. I want a smaller, slower, kinder place for her to know and be a part of. I guess Hawaii is the only place I know of that. Well, that and maybe because my "ohana" is there. My family (Onas) showed Micah so much love and adoration while she was there... and here in SF, I feel like the love I give her is not enough for the capacity of her heart. Yeah, that's the mother in me. I want my child to be loved... so loved that she wouldn't have an inkling of what hate is. I want her to be surrounded by beauty and warmth... joy and togetherness... sometimes I think that Malcolm and I can't provide the entirety of that with just ourselves. Like what the saying says, "It takes a village to raise a child"... I want a village!

Oh well, it's just a lot to take right now, with the move and all... Micah still settling in with the new place(we moved to Hawaii when she was just 3 months, so SF is a new place for her) and I'm a new mom (just a year) and I really didn't know love like this until I had Micah and I want to give her all the love in the world. I miss my family too - I miss seeing how much Micah is loved when she's with them. Oh well, I guess I miss Hawaii because I miss my family and I miss how they helped me and Malcolm show Micah how she's loved the most.

But life, as they say, is a journey... I guess this is just another leg of the trip. And about Micah, I guess I just have to trust that my love for her is always enough. I mean, isn't that the reason why God gave her to me in the first place? And Malcolm, goodness! This man truly has Jesus in his heart - he's the kindest, most generous, loving man I know. So, I think we'll be good... no, we'll be great! We're a family! We're "ohana"...