Marriage

Malcolm and I on our wedding day!

Malcolm and I (after almost 5 years) with our precious daughter Micah

Marriage… a word that both intrigued and repelled me when I was still single. There are a plethora of motivations behind marrying someone. Off the top of my head, I’m pretty persuaded that the most notorious reason of all is the wedding. Oh weddings! There is something about it that even the most cynical person would find appealing. Weddings evoke romance and romance evoke hope… hope in a “happily ever after.” But this type of hope fabricates the reality that marriage is far from “happily ever after,” thus the rampancy of divorces. For others marriage is a security of lifelong companionship. A lot of people choose to marry just because singleness brings a stigma that no one is willing to carry. Despite the fact that being Mr./Ms. Independent is now an accepted way of living, no one will still willingly choose to go through life without the safekeeping of a committed partnership. Then for some, marriage is of the utmost importance because culture and heritage might dictate it to be. Oh yes, despite the fact that we are now living in the 21st century, there are still people whose family heritage and values include being married and having a family. And then there’s the reason of LOVE… awwwww! Despite the complexity of finding an exact meaning of this word, I believe that it is still the most widely believed reason why people are willing to enter the sanctity of marriage. But regardless of the reason, marriage is more than a legal contract that binds a woman and a man forever. It’s more than the frills of the wedding, more than the assurance of companionship, more than the treasured cultural values imposed to us & most certainly, more than the emotions of “love” we feel. More often than not, marriage is hard work! I am not being cynical but how the marriage is treated nowadays is not as serious as people considered it before. Now, when things get rough, the initial reaction is no longer the adherence to the vows made, but to find ways to “bail-out” before things get worse.

Being a “wifey” for almost 5 years now, I have learned a lot of “truths” first hand when it comes to being married. I have learned that it is possible to fall in love at first sight. Mind you, my truth is not everyone else’s truth but with me, it happened. The first time I laid my eyes on my husband, I know that I was in love with him, and had he asked, I would have married him right then and there. So, with my marriage, I don’t think that the love was ever and will ever be in question. I love him and I know that he loves me no matter what. But see, marriage is not only about love, it’s about life… which brings me to another truth learned. I have learned that loving doesn’t mean liking the person you're with all the time. Initially in my marriage, I struggled because I felt so afraid every time I discover something my husband did that annoyed me. I didn’t say anything because my thinking, which now I know was so wrong, was that I would have to like every thing about him. Much to my dismay, it's just never going to happen. He was, is and will do annoying stuff, and although my love for him was unconditional, there will be days that he will not be my most favorite person… and assuredly, it’s vice versa. Another truth I’ve learned is that my happiness is my choice. Oh my goodness! No wonder both me and my husband have our moments of misery because there were times that I thought it was my husband’s job to make me happy. Come to think of it, it wasn’t even included in the vow he made, so my wrong notion of making my happiness his responsibility made both of us miserable. Thank God I have learned this truth before we both tried to find ways to “bail.” I have also learned that there will be tough times, but divorce/separation IS NOT AN OPTION. Like most people who marry, I married because of love. I love my husband with all I am and all I hope to be. I know it sounds mushy, but that’s how I love him – unconditionally. I'm rest assured that he loves me just the same. Nevertheless, the love we have for each other is not a guarantee of “forever.” What guarantees that our marriage will last is our commitment to that love no matter what – good or bad… because honestly, that’s what it all boils down to, COMMITMENT.

Just this past week, our “commitment” was tested over a petty argument. My guess is because we were both really exhausted, we, or rather, I kind of blew it out of proportion. Next thing I knew was I was calling a common friend to “vent” and my husband was storming out of the apartment to cool-off. Now, we don’t argue often, but when we do, with both our strong personalities, we argue firmly... yes, we yell. So, when I called our friend, I was expecting her to give me a perspective that would clear my clouded, angry mind. Instead, she told me to just give up. Basically, she said that we are placed on this earth to be happy and if a situation doesn’t make us happy, we should leave it. Initially, I listened to her with empathy, believing that she is saying what she’s saying because she cares for us. But after I thought about it and as much as I respect her, I just can’t bring myself to even remotely understand the point of her premise, more so to agree with her. I think it is wrong to believe that our only purpose in this world is to be happy; I mean we should strive for happiness but to expect the world to cater to our happiness – it’s both selfish and irresponsible. This is exactly why there are so many problems in the world! We believe in this misconception that happiness is circumstantially based and is dependent by the actions and reactions of people towards us. It’s just so sad to think what our society has evolved into. Well, because of this circumstance, I learned another truth that I know will strengthen the commitment I have for my marriage. I have learned to trust our commitment, that despite of the toughness of times, it will always find a way to see our love through.
Marriage is tough! Anyone who says otherwise is deluded. But for me, it’s still better having “my man” through the good and the bad… makes my passage through this life a more worth while journey. And yes, I LOVE BEING MARRIED!