In limbo

I recently had an AHA! moment (being an Oprah fan, I always try to be aware of AHA! moments) - I have learned that being in limbo is way worse than being in either a state of failure/success. It's not like I didn't know this before. I know it, but fully realizing the pain of being in limbo brings, is something that I just recently accepted. And there's another aha! moment for ya-- learning that just because you know something (knowledge) doesn't really do you good unless you accept and evaluate it against your experiences (wisdom). Ok, going back to the being in limbo thing - it is such a pain to be in it, but unless we dare evaluate the state of our life, we will never know if we're in it.

Let me expand, I believe that life is all about learning and evaluating these learnings (evaluation that entails whether we accept it as a non-negotiable truth or not, or what we know of as our value system); thus creating what we call wisdom within us. Now, every learning experience has to have a certain pressure/stress to test our threshold. If we subject ourselves to the stress and we overcome, we learn; if we don't, then we don't learn. Easy, right? Well, maybe not! Why? Because not all of us make ourselves aware of these opportunities to learn, which is why we often miss them. And these missed learning opportunities just push you toward being in limbo without even knowing it.

Also, there are times that we are indeed aware that we are in that fork in the road-- the choice to learn or not learn. But fears of the unknown stress/pressure learning can have will most often push us to choose not learning at all; thus, pushing us more in limbo. The worst part of this situation is that, we know it was an opportunity to learn, be better, gain more wisdom, etc. But the fear outweighed it all... stopped anything that is possible to happen. Then one day, after so many missed opportunities, we find ourselves in the state of limbo and because we are suckered in it so deeply, we will not know how to get out of it. What's worse is when you find yourself being BFFs with being in limbo that you find it's comfortableness a stable companion. That's when you know you've missed it all. Well, I guess you wouldn't really know, would you?

But I'm not here to paint being in limbo as something bad! I don't think it's all bad at all. It can be painful, but bad? Not really. I think for some, being in limbo is a good thing because they don't really know what they're missing. See, that's the thing about being in this state, it can leave you ignorant of what could have been or what could be. And for some, they're at peace with that. Being comfortable in the right now is the goal. And a good goal to be in indeed... just not for me. I think that for some, like me, being aware that you are in limbo is a painfully good thing - good, because, at least I know that I want more out of life... I'm made to be more! But truth be told, I am fearful of the unknown. If it were just me I'm considering here, I don't think the fear would be as paralyzing. But I have the most important priority to consider, my family. Right now, no amount of pain of being in limbo could make me compromise the safety and well-being of my family, most especially my child. And if being in limbo, regardless of how painful it is for me, would assure me that my daughter is safe, cared for, has her needs met, etc., then being in limbo is where I'll be.

But I guess the goal right now is not let go of the pain.  To make it a "punched in gut, kicked in the shin, spit in the neck" kind of experience daily! So that I won't find any peace with being in limbo... to not make it my friend because I will do something about it! That's for sure! In the meantime, I will still keep on keeping on, learning about the opportunities that present itself while in the state. Come to think of it, maybe I'm in limbo because I may need to learn something while in here... patience for instance. Wow! Is that another aha! moment?

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