Not-so-good day

Being a mom means having good days and not-so-good days. Today, it’s definitely a not-so-good day – I raised my voice at Micah.

We put boxes on the entry of the living/dining rooms from the kitchen as deterrence for her not to go to the kitchen. I am not very comfortable her walking on non-carpeted floors barefoot and we pretty much stash everything near the kitchen, including the non-baby safe stuff because Micah pretty much dominates the rest of our small apartment space. For some reason, today, she thought of moving the box to shimmy her way out to go to the kitchen. Mind you now, the box is heavy(balikbayan box with heavy winter sweaters and shoes in it), so I don't know what strength she has to be able to move it. I was running late for work, getting stressed from hauling the box and her back to the living/dining rooms, trying to clean-up the dishes from lunch, and trying to get dressed. She didn’t like that I kept on putting her back, so she went to our bedroom and closed the door. That really made me upset because she could’ve been hurt by the door closing… then when I sat her in the counter to talk to her, she knocked over a can of Pepsi and it spilled all over her. When we were finally out the door, she kept on insisting to walk by herself, so I let her to avoid any more struggles, just to find out that she is either licking or kissing the outside walls of the apartment, and they are pets around that do only God knows what to those walls! With that, I found myself grabbing her and raising my voice at her saying “stop it”… then bursting to tears after realizing what I just did, feeling like a total failure!

One of the things that I can’t stand is when parents yell at their kids in public. Now, I just did what I hated the most – I yelled at my child in public (although there wasn’t anyone at the halls at that time, but still…). When I sat her down in her car seat, I tearfully asked for forgiveness for losing my temper and my sweet child just uttered, “okay.” That made me more guilty and ashamed! How can she forgive me so easily after how I acted? There are times in one’s life where we act before we think – I guess it is that time in my life… I feel such an idiot!

Well, it’s a real bad experience but I think it’s just God’s way of reminding me to:
1. Not judge other parents – no one can be real sure of what anyone goes through to deserve judgment without reason.
2. Learn how to find inner calmness amidst the chaos – to be firm without succumbing to emotions.
3. Understand that I, too, am human… a very imperfect human.

Despite of this, I will make sure this doesn’t happen again. I know I can be firm with discipline without losing it… anger just got in the way today. Anger can really stink up life, you know!

I know that life is really just that, a series of lessons to be learned. Failure to learn something will prevent learning the next thing. Rest assured that this lesson is COVERED in JB’s life journey!