Lord Jesus:
I can't sleep. I just keep on thinking about today - Mother's Day, and how this day has become a special day of reflection for me now that I am a mommy. Lord, as You know, I've pretty much done so many things in life that blew my chances of success. I thought I was going to be a promising pediatrician, blew that! A worship leader, blew that! The best daughter there is, blew that too! The perfect wife, not blowing that but not nailing that either (my poor husband, bless him for being so low maintenance!)! Needless to say, I've worked so much for so many things, ideals, hopes that I either blew or not nailing, and to be perfectly honest, even if I did experience hurt at times, I am actually at peace with all of it.
But now Lord, I'm a mother and this is something that I just feel so very strongly about not blowing over! Funny how, all these years prior to being a mom, I've searched far and wide, read all the books about purpose and goals, etc. I've been looking for something that would fill the void of a purpose in my soul. As one book said (and I'm paraphrasing), "a purpose is something you feel so passionately about that you feel like crying everytime you think about it," It's so crazy that after everything I've done, all the mumbo-jumbo seminars and lectures (not that their a waste of my time. I did learn a lot), all that will make me cry not perfecting, every single second of everyday, is motherhood!
Lord, I'm dead serious about this... about raising my child in how You said, "the way they should go, so they won't depart from it" But Lord, I just want to ask, what's that "way"? Who's going to depict that "way"? WHo is to say that this "way" or that "way" is the "way" they should go? I know... YOU. But can you make it a bit clearer? Jesus, in all my life, I've been so afraid to cross this part of my journey, because I've seen so many moms struggled as they thread this path - so conflicted most times... so unsure the others. And even after all the preparation I thought I've done to avoid the same fate of these said mothers, why do I feel like I am still treading the same path. Different circumstances, but same path!
And this guilt thing, Lord! What is this? Is this a constant thing that I have to feel? I know I'm doing my best, but we all know that each day is different and each day brings about a different kind of "best". So I always wonder, is my best really the best? Or should I have done more? I know, it's self inflicted! But why can't I help it? Why is it an automatic thing that switches on everytime I ponder my day as the day draws to a close? Why there can't be a day where I can say, "cool! That was really the best day Janelle! You absolutely did everything you could!"
And Lord, this constant need to protect, You've birthed it in us when we birthed our child, didn't you? But Lord, if that's the case, when is it okay to protect without being accused of being overbearing? Over-protective? Like the other day when this kid bullied my child, I almost pounced on the father of that child not correcting his little snooty brat! Obviously, that's not good calling his child snooty brat nor murdering that father is my head. But that's my reaction when I'm protecting! How else would a lioness protect her cubs, right? I'm just saying? I need a legitimate amount of time and the entire process of how this protecting and letting go works because I have no clue how to do it! It's so frustrating!
Lord, let me not be plagued by my past as well. It's really not good adding up to the daily fears I already
have. With all the screw ups I did, and all the screw ups other people did to me, this "second to the fourth generation" really dampens the spirit! I can't keep on rebuking 50 million times/day everytime a thought comes into my mind. And lord, I have a lot of thoughts as you already, very well, know. And most of those thoughts are to guilt trip me more of not being perfect! That I kissed too many boys, lied too many times to my parents, broken so many rules! I mean that really scares me, my past! So can you just please keep on assuring me Lord that Mai's life is different from me and that those plagues that happened in my life WILL NOT happen to her if I just believe!? Please help!
Lord, I want the best for Mai... and even if I don't understand nor trust most of the times, I know you LOVE her more than I could ever love her and that you want Your God's best to happen in her life. So Lord, right now, I am asking... can you please help me! Help me to be the best mother to Micah. The one who will not guilt her to submission. The one who will not judge her if she chooses a path in life I don't agree with. The one who will always let my love prevail regardless of her behavior. Lord, I this is something I don't want to settle anything less for. I want my Mai to have the best mother she deserves because... simply, she deserves it!
Help me Lord! I beg you! I can't fail at this! Not ever!
In Jesus Name I pray,
AMEN!
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