Crying myself to sleep

I don't remember the last time I really cried myself to sleep. I'm guessing it was when Micah was born. I cried ALOT then because I've been guiltily wondering ALL THE TIME if I was doing the right job with my newborn. Oh, how silly of me to think that those days are gone and I have actually found the grip to this whole motherhood thing. That is until last night! It was the first time Mai cried about school and the first time she said that she didn't want to go emphatically. I was stunned because all the while I thought I'm the only one with the miserable separation anxiety and honestly, when Mai said that, I didn't know how to respond! I don't have any pep talk rehearsed and I thought I didn't need to practice any! Geez! I forgot that she's just 4 and whether I would need a script for pep talk in situations like this or not, I still would need one practiced and rehearsed perfectly... just in case! So yeah, I was silent (for the first time!) and just stared blankly at her while my daughter started crying. The next thing I did was to reach out to her and hug her as I fought back the gigantic tears about to flow freely out my already bloodshot eyes. Sigh, the woes of being a mother.

So, up until 1 am this morning, I was sobbing uncontrollably. Thank God for my sister Gem who was consoling me the entire time. I totally felt so stupid for not knowing what to do! Worse, I should be the strong one who would tell my child, "It's ok honey! School is good! It's fun!" but instead, I clammed up and cried! What the heck is wrong with me!? Anyways, even with my lack of wisdom in practical parenting, God knew exactly what to say to me. In my devotion this morning, He lead me to Hebrews 12:12-13 & Isaiah 41:10

"12So take a new grip with your tired hands and strengthen your weak knees. 13Mark out a straight path for your feet so that those who are weak and lame will not fall but become strong."


"¹⁰ Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand."


So, I guess that even with my tired hands and weak knees (or my lack of parenting common sense), I am going through this for a reason - to be able to encourage others, who will eventually walk upon this path, to be bold and strong. And as I am going through this path, treading upon this unstable emotional roller coaster called parenting,  It will be God who is my strength... He is my encouragement. In the end, I am still given a reason to praise.  I guess, this is never an easy task - letting go and letting God, especially when it comes to one's child. I know that full well now. But I do have an advantage,  a very sure advantage that whatever it is I'm going through emotionally with this transition, it'll be beautifully okay soon... in His time.


"So with puffed-up eyes and a heavy heart, I turn to you Lord. I know I will find you there!"