Preparation is not my friend

I am 31 this coming August. As I reflect on my life, I've realized something about me that I mistakenly believed I was all along... I do not prepare well. All this time I thought I was a great "preparer". But now, I don't think I ever was. For starters, I am a procrastinator. I don't know if that has anything to do with my ability to work well under pressure, but if I do remember correctly, I always do everything last minute. But it wasn't really a cause of concern ever... until now. 

Good things have always come very easily for me. As a kid, I remember being so sought after by a lot of friends that I didn't really have a hard time making friends. Maybe that's why when I a bully decided to come after me when I was in 5th grade, I had the hardest time coping that my mom had to transfer me to a different school the following year. I did excel really well in school though... without that much effort. I remember just winging it. I would study when I need to study (like for major exams) but I never really put that much effort to it. Amazingly, I would always get the top honors, which in turn, would make me so popular in school. I was always voted president of our class. I don't remember being in a position less than that. I also remember getting everything I set my heart into by just showing I want it. Of course, there were times I get disappointed, but it came scarcely. 

I'm not saying this to brag at all. On the contrary, I think that because of this, I never fully understood the meaning of "preparing well". Now, as an adult, this is slowly becoming my undoing. Now that I am living the "real life" with real consequential choices, I am at a lost. I can't "wing" anything anymore because my choices will have lasting implications, not only to my life but to the life of my family. This terrifies me! What's worse is I don't even know how much is "enough" when it comes to being prepared for life. My lack of anticipation skills doesn't help me with this at all that I end up second guessing every decision I make. Thank GOD for my husband who had his ample share of life's setbacks. With much experience and his amazing "street smarts", at least I am covered to an extent. Bless his amazing heart as he teaches "bambi" how to walk the wire of life. 

But even if I still have a LOT of learning to do, I am glad that I didn't miss the learning experience. I mean, I could get through life believing my very thwarted view of life... I thank God everyday that He didn't allow me to miss this part of my journey. I still have a long way to go before "preparation" can be my best friend. In the mean time, I don't mind walking the wire... taking each step as I nail this thing! I will be a preparer! I will be a preparer! I will be a preparer!