The day I came alive again.

I used to know myself--

-- the go-getter - Yeah, I remember, even as a young kid, I see NOTHING obstructing my view. I did get into a lot of trouble being the stubborn person I was, but I also remember the feeling of freedom that comes hand in hand with following your gut. Fear was never an issue. I stare down fear.

-- the dreamer - I used to have BIG dreams. I remember that I used to get lost in my own thoughts just building a dream on top of a dream... and a dream... and a dream. I can go on for hours just occupied in my own thoughts of what I can do and who I can be. I even role play envisioning myself in that place where all my dreams are accomplished.

-- the lover of people - I used to love people... Like all people. I used to see the good in people all the time. I have the wisdom of not trusting everybody, but I did love everybody, believing that God created each of us for something good and that it takes only one person to see it and believe in it to make it happen. I wanted to be that person for everybody... the one who sees... and believes.

But somewhere along this journey of life, "with it's sham, drudgery and disenchantment", I became calloused... shameful... prideful... hateful...

I lost "me". I lost the drive... I lost my dreams... I lost my love.

Now, it's not that I don't know I've lost "me"... I knew. But I just didn't want to find "me" because there is comfort in not changing... even if one's full of negativity. As weird as that sounds, that's where I was at for the longest time. I rationalized that I live in reality and reality stinks and that something I should just accept. I bought into other people's opinions of me-- that I am not good enough, not smart enough, not accomplished enough. I've burdened my family by bombarding them with reality checks that can kill anyone's ability to hope, dream, love. I've become cynical.

And that's not even the worst part. Being a Christian, I knew God's power to change. I knew that He has a dream for me and my family (Jeremiah 29:11). I knew a lot of things about God... even shared powerful verses often that stir me inside. But that's just about it... I just knew, but I never fully believed.

But something happened to me last Saturday. Something ached inside as I listened to a great man by the name of Matt Seever talked. He was talking about the "WHY" - why being your motivation for living; for choosing the things you do right now. He said that my "WHY" should make me "CRY"! My "WHY" should be big enough that I am willing to die for it/them. As he was talking, I was just being churned from the inside out. It was like a big battle was waged inside me-- who to believe, what to believe.

I've persecuted my husband so many times because he has big dreams and hopes for our family. I can't even count the millions of times I chastised him for always looking towards the future. I accused him of being disillusioned when the one who was gravely disillusioned was me. So, as Matt was talking and as this war within me was going on (which is still going on btw), I looked around the room as I fight the tears that are forming in my eyes. I saw this man... and older gentleman around his late 50s, early 60s, who had the excitement of a little boy about to open up Christmas presents on Christmas Day. A man with so much passion, that he was almost about to jump out of his seat because he found out that there is a bus available to take him to a leadership training where he can listen and learn from more people who are experiencing their dreams coming true. I saw in this man the unwavering hope... that this life isn't "IT"... that there's got to be "MORE!"

At that point, I just let the tears flow. How could I do this to myself and my family? How could I have been so blinded by my burdens that I even dared to kill my husband's ability to dream and hope for us? Why, for so long, have I been robbing my child of the possibilities that can happen in her life because I am too scared to fail... to lose!? How dare did I place the fear of rejection and failure at a pedestal over my family!? How!? Why?

At that moment, I just knew. I was living insanely - doing the same things over and over again expecting different results! I wasn't realistic... I was being stupid! I was being arrogantly stupid! And this has GOT TO STOP!

So June 2, 2012 is the day I came alive again. I am full of fear of the unknown. I am so uncomfortable because I know that once I choose walk this path, that I now know full well is what God placed in our lives, I will lose friends, stability, comfort ... but I am empowered that this life isn't "it" for me and my family! That there is so much more in store for us because I believe that I am given the gift of Jesus to "LIVE MORE ABUNDANTLY!" That's why He came in the first place! (John 10:10). I, now, believe in that God has shaped me to be me - the impact, purpose-driven me. I will not waste this chance. I will make this happen! God already did his part. All I gotta do is to act!